


Diet Mountain Dew

by maki_sensei16



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Crack, Cursed, Hand Jobs, Humor, I am so sorry, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Joke Fic, M/M, Musical Instruments, Musical References, Object Insertion, Powerbottom Rohan, Praise Kink, Rohan x Squidward, Tentacle Sex, Tentacles, Tsundere Kishibe Rohan, yandere rohan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 14:09:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maki_sensei16/pseuds/maki_sensei16
Summary: When Kishibae Rohan finds a strange creature washed up on the beaches of Morioh, an extremely bizarre relationship begins to bloom.





	Diet Mountain Dew

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't had much time to write anything serious lately so I thought I'd try my hand at this cursed abomination, inspired by this wonderful work of art: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PavyT47ijjM 
> 
> I apologise in advance.

Kishibae Rohan decided to take a trip down to Morioh beach. This was partly at the request of a man he had met earlier in the year, Jotaro Kujo. Jotaro had been persistently requesting that Rohan write a short manga series focussed on marine animal life for the past few months or so. Dolphins in particular.

It wasn’t something he had really wanted to do or anything (baka), but he couldn’t help but admit that he found the man’s strange obsession fascinating. Plus, he could never pass up an opportunity for new research.

He took a moment to breathe in the refreshing, salt-tinted scent of the ocean. It was so pleasantly quiet and relaxing out here, not a single person around (most importantly it was MILES away from that annoying loudmouth with the hair that was SO last decade).

What he _did_ see though, was some strange, unmoving grey shape washed up on the shore. It was about the same size as a human from what Rohan could tell from the distance he was at. _Could this be another murder victim?_

Rohan’s natural curiosity urged him down the sand dunes, sketchbook in hand. He ignored the unpleasant slouching of his Gucci shoes in the water, the sheepskin leather would be enough to keep his cashmere socks dry at least.

The sight he saw almost made him drop his art supplies. Gazing down, he got a closer look at the _thing_ that had washed up. Unlike he had first thought, it wasn’t human at all. Some kind of strange…Squid thing? It was stretched out, multiple limbs frayed about, wearing only a singular t-shirt covering its midsection. The nose was the most striking feature by far. So large and bulbous it was, taking up most of the creature’s face. Tightly clutched in its…tentacle was some kind of instrument. _Has rigour mortus already set in?_

Wanting to be sure if whether or not it was really dead. Rohan stretched his slender leg back as far as he was physically capable of and brought it swinging back with a mighty thwack as he kicked the side of its ribs.

It awoke with a start, clutching at its throat as it gasped for air. “Oh, thank Neptune you can see me! I can’t breathe, please!”

It was not often that Kishibae Rohan felt sympathy. He weighted the opinions in his mind. _What would be more beneficial for me personally? Watching this creature slowly suffocate to death, or letting it live so I can observe it a bit more?_

He had decided. Encountering this creature was far too fascinating of an opportunity to pass up. “Heaven’s Dwaaaar!” The squid thing slumped back, unconscious once more as its skin began to peel open, forming pages of a book.

Rohan quickly scribbled ‘I can breathe on land’ on a portion of the thing’s back before he began to read the scrawls of writing on it. _Bikini Bottom? Krusty Krab? Sponge Bob?_ He had never heard of any of these things before. He had made the right choice. The inspiration here was limitless!

Oddly though, Heaven’s Door didn’t say anything about how this thing, this ‘Squidward’, got here. Signing with exasperation, Rohan dismissed his stand. Returning this thing to ‘normal’, whatever that was.

“I can breathe, I can breathe! Oh, thank you!” The thing reached out and hugged Rohan, wet tentacles curling around his midsection, dampening his fabulous attire. Rohan reddened visibly with both anger and embarrassment before shoving the thing off him.

He glared at Squidward. _How dare this filthy creature lay its…limbs on me, Kishibae Rohan!?_

The strange being rubbed its bald head awkwardly, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that, really. I just-“Suddenly it was blushing too. Wanting to break the tension building between them, it extended a tentacle in greeting.

“I’m Squidward, and you are?” _My saviour_. It must have been the lack of oxygen, Squidward thought panicky. _There’s no way this weird land monkey thing is making my heart beat so fast!_

“Rohan. Kishibae, Rohan. How exactly did you end up washed up on this beach, all the way in Japan?”

Squidward blinked, trying to recall the events that he led him here. “I’m not really sure to be honest. One moment, I was working at my soul-sucking job at the Krusty Krab, being annoyed half to death by that idiot Sponge Bob, the next – I was here. Wait, I think there might have been some kind of underwater tornado of some sorts. That’s not the problem now though. What on sea floor am I going to do now?”

Rohan tapped his pen on his sketchbook. It was a bit of an issue, being stuck with this weird…thing that was bizarre even for the world of JoJo. He couldn’t really walk around Morioh with it, unless he used Heaven’s Door to make it invisible, or –

“You mentioned that I could see you. Does that mean others can’t?” _Could he be a stand of some sort?_

Squidward rolled his eyes, as though the answer to that was obvious. “Well, yeah. Some people were here earlier, but they didn’t seem to notice me, even though I was shouting and thrashing about like some crazed lunatic.”

Narrowing his eyes, Rohan considered what Squidward had said before grabbing him by the tentacle and pulling him out of the shoreline, walking a steady pace across the beach.

“Wait a second, where are we going?” Squidward was overwhelmed by the sights, sounds and smells around him. He had never been on land before, but the beach was close enough to the bottom of the sea for him to still feel somewhat comfortable. Beyond that though, Squidward was too afraid to admit that the thought of what could be out there terrified him.

“I want to test out a theory. You’re coming with me into town, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

Squidward said nothing, not wanting to further annoy the man. He knew how unbearable incessant questioning was and well…for whatever the reason, he didn’t want this Kishibae Rohan person to think badly of him.

Rohan swung open the doors to his very green automobile, making Squidward _ooh_ and _ahh_ in wonder. It wasn’t so different from the cars he had at home, except those were more like boats. Squidward sat down in the passage seat, feeling up the dark green velvet interior.

Rohan opened up the dashboard and took out a pair of heart-shaped Gucci shades, placing them fabulously on the bridge of his thin nose before he flipped on the radio and began to rev up the car obnoxiously. The lyrics of the song that was currently playing blaring the following:

_You’re no good for me_  
_Baby, you’re no good for me_  
_You’re no good for me_  
_But baby, I want you, I want_  
_Diet Mountain Dew, baby, New York City_  
_Can we hit it low now down and gritty_  
_Do you think we’ll be in love forever?_  
_Do you think we’ll be in love?_

Something in those lyrics moved Squidward’s heart. Like they were trying to _tell_ him something. “This music is neat. Not as good as mine though. I play the clarinet, you see?” He gestured snobbishly to his instrument.

Rohan glanced over at it and smirked. “A musician I see. I’m somewhat of an artist myself. You’ll have to play for me, once we get to my house.”

Squidward flushed. He felt like one of those fairy tale princesses. Saved by a dashing young man and brought back into his castle to be his bride. _What are you thinking Squidward? He’s a human!_

The song finished by the time they were out of the coastal area, changing instead to one about the melancholy of a certain season. Squidward sighed again, focussing on the music rather than all the strange sights that whizzed past them.

They were in town now, Rohan cranking up the volume to purposely show off to those around them. Flexing on them _hard_. He found a parking spot near a place that looked vaguely similar to the Krusty Krab, but thankfully was clearly not the same place. A bright neon sign flashing “Borger Kang” instead of that stupid other sign at Squidward’s personal hell.

They walked inside together, none of the other customers seeming to pay Squidward any attention, instead gazing in awe at the world-renowned mango artist, Kishibae Rohan.  
Rohan muttered something about peasants and began to place an order for two foot lettuce salads with extra salt. _He’s the kind of guy pretentious enough to order salad at a burger place, how dreamy~_  
Squidward’s thoughts were cut off by the screech of a loud, extremely annoying voice.

“OI JOSUKE, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?! JOSUKE THERE’S A SQUID MAN STANDING NEXT TO ROHAN-SENSEI!”

The other customers stopped to briefly stare at an even stranger looking man with a weird x shaped mark on his face, sitting next to another weird but kind of slaying looking dude with a hairstyle Squidward didn’t even think was physically to possess.

“Yeah I see it. Calm down, Okuyasu, or you’ll get us kicked out, AGAIN.” The youth who must have been Josuke was calmly whispering to the other boy, who seemed either deaf or genuinely unaware of the volume his voice was projecting.

Rohan waited impatiently, tapping his foot and glancing at his Gucci watch. The foot lettuce salads were a front, mostly. Rohan hated the idea of eating commoner food, but if he had to, considered it an opportunity to learn how to further express disgust in through his drawings. What he really wanted was to confirm his theory and he felt like the two blabbering imbeciles who frequented this place might be able to offer some assistance in that regard.

FINALLY, the cursed things were ready. Order #15 of course. Rohan grabbed the cheap plastic plates and swaggered over to where Josuke and Okuyasu were seated, Squidward following suit.

Rohan willed the chairs to make themselves available for him out of share sass, as if they were begging to be sat on by Rohan-sensei owo. In one elegant, swift movement, he propped himself down next to Josuke, Squidward trying to mimic the action with less successful results.

“So sorry to interrupt this TERRIBLY romantic date. I need to ask you one thing, one thing only, and then I shall consume this plastic garbage and be on my way.”

Okuyasu, who until now, had been staring open-mouthed at Squidward, seemed to have something click in his brain (what there was of it, anyway) when he heard the word date. “Awwww yeeeeeah! Oi Josuke, did you hear that? I’m on a date! I finally did it!”

Josugay blushed and looked away, damn Rohan and his preceptive hotness. “B-baka, he means you’re on a date with me. J-Just remember Okuyasu, anything can be straight, as long as you say no _homo bro_.”  
“No homo bro!” Rohan rolled his eyes, glancing at Squidward pick at his salad and expressing great delight as the totally not gay despite taking each other to fancy Italian restaurants and spending every waking moment with each other duo continued to ramble on.

“Enough! I, Kishibae Rohan wish to know if you can see this.” He gestured to Squidward, who seemed flattered by the attention he way receiving. Rohan had mentioned ‘dates’. _That’s some kind of human mating ritual, isn’t it? Does he want to…with me?_

“Uhh…yeah we can, but it doesn’t seem like anyone else can. What’s up with that? Did you get another Stand? Guess one isn’t enough for someone as extra as you.”

Rohan scoffed, twirling a soggy leaf lettuce leaf around his plastic fork. “Maybe if I had a stand as half baked as yours, I would need an additional. I’m not sure what he is, but whatever it is, it is fascinating.”

Hearing Rohan compliment him in such a way almost made Squidward choke on his salad, his throat drying up and his heart palpitations speed up. He desperately hoped it wouldn’t show, yet could not hold back a blush as he felt Rohan’s slender artist hands grab one of his tentacles and pull him away.

“That’s all I needed to know. By the way, Josuke, Okuyasu has been having a lot of vivid dreams lately involving tri-activities with you, himself and your mother, you might wish to discuss that with him.”

For once, neither Josuke or Okuyasu had anything else to add. Rohan lead Squidward out of Borger Kang, smirking at his clever remark all the way back to what must have been his house.  
What a fairy-tale castle it was.

~~

It was absolutely MASSIVE. A grand, multicoloured two, maybe three-story house for too big for just one person. Rohan proudly led Squidward inside, allowing him to enter first.

The inside was even more colourful somehow, just as fabulous and extra as its owner. “I’ll give you a tour a bit later, but really, the only room worth seeing is my studio.” Rohan guided Squidward down the seemingly endless hallway until they reached an opposingly large staircase. Squidward couldn’t help but utter _oohs_ and _ahhs_ as they made their way towards their destination.

“I absolutely love what you did with the place. The décor is exquisite!” Squidward exclaimed as he ran his tentacles all over the sleek woodwork of the abode. Rohan smirked in response.

“You have excellent taste Squidward, I can’t wait to see your reaction to my studio.” The sea creature clasped his hand over his chest as he felt his cheeks redden. As one of the great patrons of the arts, he knew how special it was for someone to invite you into their workspace. There was something strangely intimate about getting to be in the place where art was created.

They reached what must have been the (Heaven’s) door to the studio and Squidward could feel his heart pounding fiercely as he watched the arrogant gleam in the extremely handsome man’s eyes as he open door, smirking as he did so.

Squidward nearly fainted as he crossed the threshold and got a good look at the inside. The entire area was full of art supplies, books and stationery, neatly organised and spread across almost every surface. Stark white from a massive printer and fax machine offset the flush of colour everywhere else in the room. Great framed coloured pages of Rohan’s manga, Pink Dark Boy lined with walls, drawing attention to them.

Squidward was in awe. He has never seen such perfect lines, such impeccable shading, such vibrant colours and outstanding character design. He made sure to tell Rohan this, the praise making both his ego and perhaps something else swell.

Who knew this strange creature could be so cultured? Rohan’s curiosity and passion flared violently, he had to discover more, much more. He moved towards Squidward, predatory glint in his eyes. “You flatter me, but I suspect you are being humble…For someone to appreciate my creations on such a level…you must be an artist yourself.”

Rohan twirled fabulously on his heal, reaching over to his desk and selecting one of his platinum-tipped fountain pens, dipping it into a pot of thicc, dark ink before presenting it to Squidward. “Show me what you can do.”

It was a command, clear cut and simple, yet holding so much weight. Squidward gulped and gingerly took the overpriced instrument and walked over to a large blank sheet of paper, taking a moment to consider what he should draw before he placed the tip of it to the smooth surface and began to sketch.

Rohan’s chest was pounding as he watched Squidward work, despite his clumsy-looking appendages, he was able to perfectly manipulate the pen and produce a flawless drawing in the matter of about 5 minutes. It was a picture of him, sprawled sensuously across a plush sofa, posing erotically as he stared directly at whoever happened to be viewing the piece with a teasingly playful gaze. The detail was astounding, everything from the fibres of his clothes to the perspiration on his skin clearly, his shallow cheeks flushed.

“Interesting subject matter you have there.” Rohan chuckled, watching as the realisation of what he had done hit Squidward square in the chest, causing him to stumble backwards. Squidward slammed into the desk adjacent him, knocking over a large bottle of ink in the process. Needless to say, Rohan had taken the opportunity to use Heaven’s Door to write “I will draw my deepest desire” in Squidward and the result of this now presented a new opportunity.

“Oh dear, that was the last of my ink! Whatever will I do now? I have a chapter due in a few days!” Squidward felt terribly guilty. Rohan had graciously invited him into his home, shown him his studio and even let him use his incredibly high-quality materials. What had he done in response? He’d not only violated him through an incredibly inappropriate piece of art, he’d also jeopardised his work.

He had a solution, a way to make it up to Rohan, although he dreaded making the suggestion he needed to make. “Um, Rohan-sensei, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’m a squid, of sorts. I can well, um, make ink to replace your supplies, but only under certain circumstances.”

Rohan’s curiosity peaked further, slowly sending him over into his yandere mode. “Oh? What would those circumstances be, exactly?”

Squidward glanced away nervously, Rohan now leering ominously over him, his breathing heavy. _Oh no, he’s hot._

“I uh…have to feel really good for it to come out.” Rohan smirked upon hearing this, things were going exactly as planned. He began to undress, deliberately slowly, watching Squidward sweat as he folded his couture attire neatly in a way that would not damage the designer threads. Piece by Gucci piece, more and more of his sleek, lithe body was exposed.

Squidward couldn’t move, gaping in stunned silence as Rohan moved his tentacles over to his chest and his erect manhood, the suction caps clasping down and making the mangaka purr.

“Let’s make our ink come out together. Mine comes from here.” He thrust upwards into the tentacle, making note of the sensation for a very special side project he was working on. Jotaro would be getting his manga on marine animal life alright, just the type he might have wanted.

“You said you played music. I want you to play for me. Play into me.” Still rutting into the helpless creature, Rohan reached over into a drawer and brought out a colossal bottle of clear liquid. More than half it has already been used up. Rohan had a habit of ‘experimenting’ with different objects around the house, testing out how many he could fit inside of him at once.

He ran his now slicked fingers over the tip of the clarinet, coating it liberally. Squidward watched in horror and arousal as Rohan began to slowly push the instrument inside him, getting about a quarter wedged solidly up his behind. He didn’t mind. Rohan-sensei was so amazing that even that part of him would surely be spotless and perfect, just like the rest of him. It was impossible for a being this perfect to be dirty anywhere.

Clarinet now lodged deep within him, Rohan unclasped Squidward’s tentacles briefly to move into a more favourable position. His skinny twink ass was up in Squidward’s face now, the other end of the instrument close to his lips. “What are you waiting for? Play.”

Squidward breathed in deeply, preparing himself for the performance of his life. One of his leg-tentacles wrapped around Rohan’s dick again, felling the mangaka’s length pulse as the suction cups clasped and puckered against it.

His lips tenderly pressed against the clarinet and Squidward began to blow through it, the hot air entering and filling Rohan’s ass, creating a sweet melody.

“Oh God, Squidward! You’re a true virtuoso! My eardrums are being so tenderly caressed~ Oh please, stroke me in tune to this blessed orchestra!”

Having his music praised by the great Rohan sensei was enough to make the ink well up from Squidward’s depths, but he knew that he had to get Rohan’s ink out as well, or he’d be shunned, just like all those times at home…

He put his lungs into it, blowing as hard as he could as he curled his tentacle around Rohan’s throbbing length, matching the rhythm and tune as he bobbed it up and down.

Heat splashed Rohan’s body in waves as it pooled in his member as the hot air from Squidward’s playing hit his prostate. “Squidward, my ink is going to come soon!”

Squidward felt it too, his ink was about to spill over as well. “This music is- God it’s so good! I’m coming Squidward!” Rohan cried as he spirted out into the tentacle, his entire body spasming.

Reaching the final note of the song, Squidward’s cupped suckers gushed with a thick black liquid, covering Rohan’s dick and dripping down onto his back, his body heaving as he panted.

“This is true art!” Rohan smeared the ink around his alabaster skin, a look of euphoria splashed on his face as he seemed to lose himself in his obsessive adoration for the being panting above him.

Squidward attentively pulled the clarinet outside of Rohan and began to play once more as the mangaka snuggled against him. Lovemaking was truly the purest, most scared art of all.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry again. I know I have WIPS but I really do mean it when I say I've been too busy to do any "serious" writing. I didn't want to get too rusty though and this allowed me to write without worrying about the things I normally worry about. I'll go back to writing something not completely cursed soon, I promise <3


End file.
